FFX2: Goofy Angels!
by CaptJoe213
Summary: A nice parody showing what would happen if the censors over at Square Enix fell asleep! Rated M for a reason!
1. Chapter 1

FINAL FANTASY X-2: GOOFY ANGELS

I

[The stadium in Luca is filled to the brim with people wanting to see Yuna in concert. Paine and Rikku make their way into the stadium, knocking out a guard in the process.]

Rikku: Y, R, P, in position. It's showtime girls!

Yuna: Showtime? What the hell are you talking about? I'm wandering around out here in…..

Rikku: Shut up Yuna! We're not supposed to know what you're doing yet! It's not in the script!

Yuna: Fine, whatever.

Paine: Um, can we get on with this already?

[Paine and Rikku bust up a few guards, posing like badasses after each victory. They then hijack a flying platform, and zip over to the main stage.]

Rikku: Hey, give it back already!

?: Boys!

[Two freaks appear to each side of ?.]

?: Want in on this number? Then show me your moves!

Paine: That doesn't make any sense. We're going to kick your ass, not have a break-off.

?: Umm, are you sure? I am quite jiggly, if you haven't noticed. Besides, you cant hit me, I look like Yuna, but have a different voice, and the mysterious name ?.

Paine: Whatever, just forget I said anything. I'll stick to the script.

Paine (clears throat): Think you can keep up?

[Rikku and Paine beat down ? quite severely.]

Paine: I could have danced all night! Wait I think I will! (Paine gets funky)

Rikku: Wait a minute! We just blatantly attacked the High Sumnoner that destroyed Sin and brought the Eternal Calm in front of like what? 50,000 screaming fans!

Paine: Hey, you're right! Why aren't we being tore apart by a mob? And surely even if we get away, every single person in Spira should be seeking our blood for this!

?: You guys suck.

[? disappears and the girls magically know she went outside, so they follow. They run around the dock and eventually lose sight of ?.]

Rikku: I knew I shouldn't have got so wasted last night! I can't run fast with this hangover!

Logos: You're too slow, little girl.

Rikku: Umm, yeah, that's what I just said….oh, and Yeouch!

Ormi: Show's over! Bwhaaahaaa!

Rikku: What show? What the hell are you blabbing about fatso?

Paine: Rikku! This way! We will run down a dead end pier! That will surely save us!

[The two men follow after Paine, and Yuna appears behind them, firing bullets at their feet, instead of actually at them, which would make sense. She then jumps off Ormi's shield, does a flip, and the trio throw down their best sexy/tough poses. They then beat down the men easily.]

?: That's quite enough sniveling boys!

Ormi: What does sniveling mean?

?: Well, umm, lets see…. Let me think….. ummm…. Oh nevermind you idiot! Just get out of the way!

Yuna: Give it back!

?: Give what back? Your virginity? I'm sorry love, you can't unring a bell ya know.

Rikku: You're a freak. Give back her Garment Grid you moron.

?: Didn't you girls ever learn to share?

Paine: Hey! That one night with you I shared my…

?: Ack! Shut up!

Yuna: Hey look! I'm gonna get pissy! [is pissy] Give it back!

?: Fine it's yours.

[? gives up the grid, and turns into a slutty looking LeBlanc.]

LeBlanc: But it won't be for long loves!

Paine: Loves? What the hell kinda threat is that?

LeBlanc: Well, umm, that's my catchphrase.

Rikku: How lame.

[YRP fights LeBlanc, and beats her ass easily.]

LeBlanc: I won't let you off so easily next time!

Yuna: You suck bitch.

[Rikku and Paine walk away, but Yuna begins dancing.]

Paine: Rikku, check Yuna out! She's gittin jiggy wit it!

[Yuna dances for a bit, then ends with a sweet as sugar pose. Celsius appears in the background. ]

Yuna (narrating): My body just started dancing by itself. I didn't know what was going on. I was frightened…. And a little turned on. While I was dancing, something happened….

Rikku: It looked like you were enjoying yourself! You were shaking your ass all over the place. It was sooo sexy!

Yuna: I was. It was like someone else took over. I think I had an orgasm.

Shinra: That can happen when you put on thousand year old crusty clothes. The emotions and crusty body fluids recorded on the clothes pass to the user.

Rikku: Isn't that dangerous? Couldn't she get crabs or something?

Shinra: I don't know. Maybe. I can't say, haven't had time to wash out the skid marks from the laundry.

Buddy: But it's your invention! And it's your job to do the laundry around here!

Shinra: I'm just a creepy sex crazed midget disguised as a kid.

Brother (clears throat): Dancing Yuna, I want to see!

Yuna: It'll cost you.

Brother: One moment. (digs in pockets)

Paine: No, she means you gotta get rid of that stupid ass name. Brother? Who the hell is called 'Brother'? What, was Cid burnin the blunt when you were born? You suck, you bastard.

Brother: What, no dance? Oh well, I can get horny just imagining it.

[Yuna approaches Brother and speaks with him.]

Brother: Yuna, has my talking gotten better?

Yuna (narrating): He really has improved. He said he practiced just so he could hit on me more.

[Yuna approaches Paine and speaks with her.]

Yuna (narrating): This is Paine. I look up to her as a sphere hunter, and also find her so very sexy. Always wearing her hot black clothes, and so very tough. God she just rocks my world!

Paine: Quit undressing me in your mind!

Yuna: Oh, oops, sorry!

[Yuna talks to Rikku]

Rikku: Wanna go make out?

Yuna (narrating): It all started when I saw this sphere of you. At least I think it was you, and I'm too stupid to remember that you vanished to the Farplane after Sin died, taking all the bras in Spira with you. Notice how the last game I had a nicely supported rack, and now I look flat as a board? Anyways, I joined the Gullwings hoping to find more spheres, or at least a decent underwire. The search is going badly.

Rikku: We could always have a three way with Barkeep!

[Yuna wanders off, frightened that Brother's incestuous ways are spreading, and speaks with Shinra.]

Shinra: I know everything.

Yuna (narrating): Shinra's an Al Bhed. He's a real whiz kid. No one knows what he looks like, and it is rumored he's actually a very small 54 year old man. I'm not sure myself.

[Yuna speaks with Buddy]

Yuna (narrating): Buddy and Brother are old friends. In fact, I think they are lovers. He says he was on the airship with us two years ago, keeping Brother 'company' during the trip.

[Yuna goes to the cabin and speaks with Barkeep]

Barkeep: Mish Yoona, What can I do for yoo?

Yuna: First you can tell me why you speak like a drunken moron, that's what you can do for me.

Barkeep: Kish my ass, beetch.

Yuna (narrating): This is Barkeep. He's a hypello. There have been some pictures of me nude appearing in various locations around Spira. I think Barkeep is taking pictures of me while I sleep, but I have no proof.

[Yuna rests, then returns to the bridge, summoned by Brother's stupid call]

Buddy: Whoa! Treasure sphere waves coming from those old ruins above Gagazet.

Paine: What the hell? Like these thousand year old spheres just suddenly decide to transmit waves just like that?

Buddy: Well, no, we just now found the waves that were being emitted.

Paine: Oh, so you were too stupid to find them yesterday eh?

Buddy: Bite me bitch.

[Everyone sees the floating rocks and such]

Rikku: We don't have to climb that thing, do we?

Yuna: Yeah, I'm too damn lazy for that!

Buddy: I'll fly you up there, you useless damn broads.

[The girls land on a walkway and Yuna gets dizzy and falls. Rikku and Paine grab her arms at the last second.]

Brother: What is your status?

Rikku: What do you think you mohawked freak! You friggin moron! You dropped us right on a ledge and Yuna is about to fall to her death!

Brother: Oooh, that gives me an idea! What's the word now….hm….. oh, yeah! Necrophilia! WOOT!

Paine: I'm either gonna hurt him, or screw him, one of the two.

Rikku: Shut up and pull already!

Paine: If you knew how many guys I've heard that from….

[Rikku and Paine pull Yuna to safety. The group moves around to the far ledge, and when they climb it, they meet back up with the heart clad trio]

Yuna: Who's there?

LeBlanc: Who's there? What the hell kinda thing to say is that? You're looking right at me stupid!

Yuna: Kiss my ass bitch.

LeBlanc: That's what I hate about amateurs. They have no idea of what it takes to be real sphere hunters.

Rikku: Amateurs? Sphere hunting is only 2 years old stupid.

[Ormi and Logos walk up]

Ormi: I need a doughnut!

Logos: Following them has paid off spendidly!

Paine: Wait a minute, if you are following us, how is it that you are further along on the trail?

LeBlanc: We're going to whip your ass for actually trying to apply logic to the situation!

[They fight. YRP beats them handily. LeBlanc and crew throw a smoke bomb and run away]

Paine: She's getting hurt. Whips, chains, nipple clamps, the good stuff! Oh yeah!

Yuna: Bitch, you're psychotic.

[YRP completes the chase mission, and find LeBlanc and crew hanging from the ledge of the cliffside spire-thing.]

LeBlanc: Would…would you stop staring!

Logos: If I had known how nasty your ass was, I'd ask for double the gil last night!

Ormi: Buwahhaahahhaaa!

[Ormi then apparently falls to his death.]

[Paine begins stepping on LeBlanc's fingers.]

Yuna: Are you rubbing your nipples while you do that Paine?

Rikku: Knock it off, we gotta go. There's a damn spider up here that's oooh-so-scary.

[YRP whip up on Boris and grab the sphere. LeBlanc appears sans Ormi.]

LeBlanc: It's obvious to the trained eye. That sphere's just a dud. Perfect for the Dullwings!

Yuna: Oh look! [stares at the sphere] It's a sex tape of LeBlanc!

LeBlanc: Very funny, ha ha.

Rikku: Who is the guy? Ohmigosh!

Paine & Yuna: It's Nooj!

LeBlanc: Oh my God, he said he destroyed that!

[LeBlanc approaches quickly. As soon as she is in range Yuna knocks the living piss out of her.]

Yuna: Bitch don't EVER call me dull again! I WILL. CUT. YOU.

[LeBlanc and Logos run away both crying in fear. Rikku and Paine also flee.]

Yuna: MISSION COMPLETE!


	2. Chapter 2

FFX-2 Goofy Angels II

_Well, here's the introduction I should have put in on part 1. Thanks for checking my little attempt at humor out, everything that happens is things that have jumped into my head as I play and replay this game. So if it isn't funny, I guess I'm to blame. Funny that eh? Anyway, there will be bad language, there will be out of character and even out of universe references, and there will be whatever else my goofy mind throws up. _

_Updates shouldn't take too long, but sometimes it takes time for inspiration to strike. Also I won't be doing the entire script because that would just be too long. I'll be hitting missions that tickle my fancy mainly. Please R&R and thanks for stopping by!_

II.

[The group use a set of Goa'uld teleportation rings and return to the ship. They come to the bridge to find Brother lying in the middle of the floor.]

Paine: Good God, did Brother get himself hung up trying to hump the engine again?

Brother [whispers]: No, it was your mom, bitch.

[Paine promptly kicks Brother square in the nuts.]

Rikku: He isn't bleeding so to hell with him right? Isn't that what a normal sister would say? I mean, who gives a damn if he has internal injuries or is dying, am I right?

Paine: Hey midget, check this sphere out and make sure there's no thousand year old porn on it. Also make sure it doesn't somehow secretly have three large staffs, and three separate complete outfits, including hats and shoes, that might miraculously fit us in there either.

[Shinra takes the sphere and Yuna goes to comfort Brother.]

Yuna: Thank you Brother.

Brother: Damn you have the best rack girl!

Rikku: You said you liked my boobs the best!

[Rikku immediately kicks Brother square in the nuts.]

Shinra: Damn it Paine if you don't stop putting tranny porn on these spheres I'm going to quit fixing them! God you are gross!

Paine: Shut up you freak, can you play the sphere or not?

Shinra: As if there was a doubt. Check it out you dizzy dames!

[YRP watches the sphere, seeing nothing of interest.]

Yuna: I think I would have rather seen the tranny porn!

Paine: Junk.

Shinra: Holy shit! There really ARE three complete outfits and staffs in this thing somehow!

Buddy: Incoming data! Gullwings to your stations!

Rikku: What the hell are you talking about? We just stand here behind you guys and bark orders. We don't have any freaking stations!

Buddy: Bite me bitch. [to Shinra] Get him up.

[Shinra proceeds to get up and kicks Brother squarely in the nuts.]

Brother: AAAHHHH I hate you all!

[Yuna stands behind Buddy, looking at him expectantly.]

Buddy: What? Is there a spider in my hair? Get it out!

Yuna: The data, stupid!

Buddy: Oh right, it's the data you've been dying for! At least one sphere in Besaid, and one in Zanarkand.

Yuna: How in the hell do you know it's the data I've been dying for? You can tell from your rinky-dinky-assed monitor there that it's a sphere of He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named?

Buddy: Well, no…

Paine: Why can't he be named? All I hear about is some ex-boy toy of Yuna's, but no one will say his name!

Rikku: Oh, his name was Tid…

[Yuna instantly leaps to Rikku's side and pistol whips her across the face.]

Yuna: I will put your bitch ass in the box! You wanna go back in the box again?

Rikku [with blood trickling from her nose]: No

Yuna: No, what?

Rikku: No ma'am.

Paine: Let's just freaking go already. [to Brother] To Besaid you mohawk'd dumbass!

Yuna: (narrating): This is the first time back since I left. Now I remember why I went, island full of rednecks here! (kicks a machina up on blocks.)

[Wakka appears.]

Wakka: Stop!...now wiggle it!

Rikku: Ohhh…Yeah!

Wakka: You caused quite a fuss, young lady.

Yuna: Bite me.

Paine: and who the hell says 'fuss' these days? You inbred moron.

Wakka (to Yuna): Who's the bitch? A friend?

Yuna: Yeah, though we're secretly lovers.

Wakka (looks at Paine): Hmm, red eyes, leather, her tits aren't as big as Lu's but still, nice!

[Yuna and Wakka high five each other.]

Rikku: oh I almost forgot! (to Wakka) When did you become such a fatass? 

Wakka: Kiss my ass you little whore, I'm _identical _to how I was in FFX! I think they just copied me from one game to the other!

Paine: Game? What the hell? Fat and insane! This Lulu woman you guys talk about apparently hit the 'stud' jackpot with this freaking loser.

Yuna: Well, let's go see that pregnant slut of a wife of yours. Are you sure this kid is even yours?

Wakka: Very funny.

Yuna: I'm serious!

Wakka: I'm…I'm one of three possible fathers. [Wakka weeps.] 

[YRP leaves Wakka to his shame and enters Lulu's hut only to find her having sex with Keepa.]

Yuna: Damn it Lulu! This is one reason I left! I got tired of you slinging it everywhere!

Lulu: Yuna! [Lulu _heaves _Keepa off of herself.] Welcome back little one!

[Rikku laughs and points at Keepa's groin.]

Paine: Looks like that should be this guy's nickname!

[Keepa jumps into his pants and exits quickly crying quietly.]

Lulu: Well since I'm not going to get to orgasm, let's go for a walk.

Rikku: Can you? Being pregnant and all? I don't want to deliver another baby with one hand while slapping a dingo with the other.

Lulu: chill the hell out, it'll be fine.

Rikku: I'm serious, bitch. Otherwise I'll let the DINGO EAT YOUR BABY!

Paine: Take it easy Rikku, this bitch can't be more than a week or two pregnant, I mean just look at her, she's still like what, a size three?

Lulu: Actually I'm nearly eight months in. I just carry my weight well.

Yuna: No shit!

[YRP and Lulu walk to the top of the hill that overlooks the island.]

Lulu: So why the hell did you run away?

[Yuna shows Lulu the sphere of He-Who-Cannot-Be-Named.]

Lulu: Umm what the hell? That's clearly not him, we all watched him disappear with Auron after Yu Yevon was defeated. Besides this sphere has got to be _ancient _meaning whoever is in this would be at the least an old man by now.

Yuna: Damn it quit poking holes in the plot! This is exactly why your stupid ass was left out as a playable character in the first place!

Lulu: Okay okay, fine I'll be quiet, but at least stay the night, wouldn't you?

Yuna: Fine, we'll stay.

Rikku: Great! Hey Lulu we need to go talk about…your umm…baby shower, yeah that's it!

Lulu: Of course my sexy bitch, I mean yes, of course, let's go. See you guys later!

[Lulu and Rikku exit arm in arm.]

[YRP spend the night, and morning comes.]

Yuna: Wonder where Lulu and Wakka are?

Rikku: Let's go find out.

[The trio goes outside and stops a passing local girl.]

Rikku: Hey you, have you seen Lulu around here?

Girl with dog: Who?

Yuna: [sighs] The leather wearing slut.

Girl with dog: Oh yeah, she's banging the Aurochs over in the old Crusader tent.

[YRP approaches the tent.]

Yuna: Lulu get out here! Put the dicks down. PUT THE DICKS DOWN!

[After a few groans, a long gasp, a few disapproving 'ahhs' and a sneeze, Lulu emerges from the tent, her lipstick smeared in a very telling manner.]

Lulu: Oh hey girls, I was just umm, mending some socks for the boys.

Rikku: With your mouth?

Lulu: Shut up. [To Yuna] I can't believe I'm going to say this, but go find my husband please. He seems to have disappeared.

Yuna: You have any idea where he might be?

Lulu: He said something about a cave.

Yuna: I don't remember any cave…

Paine: From what I hear there's one between Lulu's legs!

[Rikku suddenly punches Paine with all her might.]

Rikku: No one talks shit about my bitch!

Yuna: Just knock that shit off, let's go find this damn cave and save Wakka's stupid ass.

[YRP talks to random villagers, learning the location of the cave. The girls go there.]

[On the way] Brother [via radio]: My dick…is aching!

Paine: Oh right, I forgot to tell you Brother, you need to go to the clinic in Bevelle and tell them you were with me. They'll know what to do. Sorry bout that.

Buddy: Ahhh! Now I'm glad I'm gay!

[Brother can be heard in the background screaming obscenities.]

Buddy: We'll be…ahh…right back.

[The girls arrive at the cave and find Wakka inside.]

Wakka: Ahh shit! I was trying to have some ahem 'special' alone time here!

Rikku: Ewww that's nasty!

Yuna: Yeah, especially when all you have to do is ask and I'd ride you like a shoopuf!

[Rikku, Paine, and Wakka all look at Yuna with their jaws on the floor.]

Yuna: Just saying!

Paine: Enough you nasty bitch, now Wakka put your cock up and tell us what you're doing in here. Well, besides the _obvious._

Wakka: Well, my little brother told me there was a sphere of my parents on the island. Before my kid is born, I thought I'd like to see it.

Rikku: Okay okay, we didn't ask for your boring ass life story. We'll go find the damn sphere, which clearly must be somewhere in this never-before-seen cave.

[YRP makes their way through the cave, and finally find a sphere in the back.]

Paine: Find a sphere and the fiends appear.

Yuna: What the hell have we been fighting then? Our own shadows? There are fiends everywhere you stupid bitch.

Rikku: Look! It's a flame dragon!

Paine: Oh, a dragon that shoots flames. How original. Dungeons and Dragons anyone?

Yuna: Shut up, we don't want to pay royalties!

[They defeat the flame dragon and take the sphere back to Wakka.]

Rikku: Is this it?

Wakka: No, this appears to be Yuna and Kimahri…OHHH! That's just wrong!

Yuna (panicking): Let me see that! [She grabs the sphere.]

Wakka: I was hoping for a sphere of my parents but instead I get Ronso porn…just great!

Yuna: Shut up or I'll tell everyone what I caught you doing to that thunder flan the other day!

Wakka: Ahh well, ah, nice weather today eh?

Rikku: I'm going to need therapy after all this.

Buddy (via radio): Are you guys done down there? Brother's getting on my nerves because he keeps turning down my advances.

[YRP walks Wakka back to the village.]

Wakka: Damn it Lulu! Two at once!

Paine: MISSION COMPLETE!


End file.
